


Just Parts Of Me

by paper_eternity



Series: Tales of Wolfstar [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Christmas, M/M, Marauders' Era, Post-Hogwarts, Slash, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 13:44:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2852924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paper_eternity/pseuds/paper_eternity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christmas 1978: Sirius and Remus are celebrating their first Christmas together after they leave Hoghwarts and there are quite a few obstacles in their way of having a magical day...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Parts Of Me

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to write a Wolfstar Christmas One Shot, which I hope you enjoy, even though it is not (yet) edited. I'm currently contemplating whether to follow it up with one for New Years as well, but we'll see.  
> Merry Christmas!

As a little boy Remus had been one of those children, who had tried to stay up all night to be able to surprise Santa, but had always failed nontheless, so that his dad had to carry him back to his bed at some time during the night. Even during his Hoghwarts years he had gone home most of the time, because he missed his family during his school months and he was simply a man of traditions. Even now that he had finished his schooling and was considered an adult in the wizarding world at seventeen, he felt as though he would explode with excitement at the thought of Christmas morning quickly approaching. During the entire month of December with the exception of the full moon on the 14th and the time Sirius unexpectedly had to go on a two day mission, he had gone crazy buying decorations for Sirius's and his apartment and what he would get his family and friends was a constant thought in his mind, that brought him endless joy.

Sirius on the other hand had been reluctant to get into the festive spirit, which was surprising considering his normally rather overenthusiastic spirit. He had mainly watched Remus turn from a very somber lad into a fanatic in the matter of days and occasionally he had helped him put up some of the decorations. It hadn't been until later in the month that Remus had realized, why it was his bofriend was less than excited at the prospect of a time filled with strolls over Christmas markets with a cup of mulled wine, cuddles on the sofa before the fire and eggnog. Sirius wasn't that into Christmas, because in the Black family the holidays had not been something pleasant. Like Remus, Sirius had often gone home during Christmas holidays, but more out of duty and obligation than affection.

  
Once in third year the Marauders had made a pact though – they would all stay at school over Christmas and it would be the best one yet. The image of Sirius's wide, overwhelmed eyes at the sight of elabortely decorated christmas trees and long tables full of rich food, you were allowed to dig into any way you wanted, was one that Remus would never want to forget. He was pretty certain his friend had later cried from happiness, not that he would ever bring it up. In Sirius's opinion it had really been the best Christmas up until then, one that did not require to smile at useful, considerate presents and quietly sit at the dinner table, saying 'please' and 'thank you' a lot and eating tiny helpings of food, to not seem greedy. He had gotten sentimentally valuable presents, such as a quidditch book from James, a entire box of chocolates from Pete and a pocket knife from Remus and in the evening they had fallen into their beds, stomachs so full of delicious food , Sirius was quite certain one of them would later throw up. He sighed contenly then, vowing to cherish the memories forever, before shedding a tear, he quickly wiped away, so none of his roommates would see it.

The only other Christmas that had been able to measure up to that one had been the one, he got to spend at the Potters' house during his last year at school. The previous year his parents had not wanted him to come home, but didn't want to give him the joy of spending the day with the Potters either, so he had sat in his dorm room miserable and alone most of the time. That year though it had been the first year, he had gotten to experience a Christmas filled with love and family much rather than coldness and indifference, which had warmed his heart even more than the eggnogg had. One day, he had vowed, Christmas would be the same with his children and partner.

  
The year of 1978 had turned out to be brilliant for him so far, despite his worries at the beginning of it; he had graduated with all of his friends, had joined the Order to fight dark powers and he had moved in with Remus, who showed him he loved him every day and that was truly what Sirius wanted from life. With Christmas coming up, he started to panick though – what if he could not make the day as special as he wanted to? He knew nothing about Christmas, was in no way suitable to spread love and warmth and he was fairly certain, Remus would hate spending Christmas with him, as it was a holiday fairly important to him. If his love could make every day of the year special for him, couldn't he accomplish the same one single day of the year?

As soon as Remus noticed he had tried to infect Sirius with his spirit and at least, he had gotten him to sing along to some Christmas songs, including one half naked, slightly intoxicated rendition of 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day' on their bed, which he would lie, if he said he hadn't enjoyed very much. On top of that Sirius had really gotten into baking a million different sorts of Christmas cookies, which always ended up slightly burned or mishaped, but it was the thought that counted. Besides if it meant Remus got to throw flour at his man and could kiss it away after, he wasn't complaining in the slightest. His boyfriend hadn't even objected to the ugly Christmas jumpers, Remus had brought home with gleaming eyes and had begged him to put on. They had cuddled on the sofa with a cup of tea in front of the fire place and when they had taken the jumpers back off it hadn't been, because Sirius didn't like them...

  
When they had discussed Christmas plans, it had really been out of question to pay a visit to the Black family. Not unless Sirius would marry a pureblood girl, then fuck her to make beautiful pureblood babies and still the family reunion might be at stake unless he begged on his knees for forgiveness. Not that it was anything Sirius intended to do, he was very much where he wanted to be. So they had agreed on spending the night at Remus's parents house, because his mother had been begging them to do so for the last few months anyway. Then they would head over to Lilly and James's for a nice relaxed Christmas dinner to catch up with all of their friends, who they hadn't seen regularly due to overlapping missions. It was clear Sirius was most looking forward to the second part of their day, even though Remus had repeatedy reassured him, he would be completely welcome at his home, which was mostly true, even though his mother had initially been wary of Remus dating a boy, since that meant there was something even more obvious than his werewolfness to single him out. Both of his parents loved Remus to death though and after a dinner, where he had very openly discussed the issue with them, he knew, they would be fine with Sirius being over for Christmas morning. His mother had made it very clear her invitation extended to Remus's significant other, just like his sister was allowed to bring her boyfriend.

Consequently the days before Christmas had been filed with Sirius fretting over, what he was to bring and what would be approproate attire to wear. It didn't matter just how many times Remus assured him, his parents would not care and that they had in fact met him before, so a first impression had already been made, when they were twelve, but that attempt at cheering him up failed. Sirius had thrown his hands in the air and exclaimed dramatically: "Exactly!" Not even Remus's kisses would distract him. Plus Sirius desperately wanted to be a help with the food and did not stop nagging Remus until he was allowed to prepare a Christmas pudding. However, Remus made sure not to tell him, his mother had prepared one herself, just in case theirs wasn't to her liking. Like predicted the whole episode turned into a huge drama, but Remus tried his hardest to stay calm and not get wound up at Sirius's moodiness and shouting and somehow they got through the time and came out the other end with a presentable Christmas pudding, the third of its kind.

  
They arrived at the Lupin household in the early evening of the 24th, which was unexpectedly mild for December. "Ready?", Remus asked in a way he hoped, seemed calming and Sirius nodded, eyes wide. Not quite reassuring, but it would have to do. They were promptly greeted with the two most important women in Remus's life jumping his bones and his sister screeching: "There you are!", that high, even her boyfriend looked a little shellshocked. Sirius just stood in the doorframe as if he had been frozen to the spot until Remus's dad, Lyall, approached him to shake his hand. "Hello Sirius, we are happy to have you here." Soon after Remus's mother, Hope, turned towards him too and moved in to hug him, while Sirius just held out the Christmas pudding in front of him as if forming a protection shield. Remus tried his best to not be annoyed at his boyfriend's behavior and introduced him to his sister's boyfriend, Greg, who had warmed to the family at least a little, probably due to the fact, he was over a lot more often. To be fair, Greg was a muggle, so he was home a lot more in general, than Remus's badass boyfriend, who fought crime for a living, to keep people like Greg and his sister safe. Maybe Remus was being a little hard on him after all, he knew Sirius tried.

The Lupins' dining room was decorated all over with tinsels and fairy lights, which Lyall had enchanted to sparkle in different colours according to the time of day. Decoration madness certainly ran in the family. The younger set the table and a while later, the whole family was sitting around the table, Sirius a lot more relaxed due to a mixture of Remus rubbing soothing patterns into his thigh under the table and a good amount of eggnogg. He maybe complimented Hope's food a little too often and he did occasionally flinch under Lyall's gaze, but in general, he seemed fine. Traditionally the Lupin family played 'Clue' on Christmas eve and down to their training in the Order, obviously Sirius and Remus were the only ones really competing to win. Or maybe it was, because Greg tried to help his girlfriend by whispering clues to her all the time, which down to their hightened ablities both of the young wizards could easily pick up on. Soon after Remus could hear, Sirius's laugh was beginning to get louder and shriller, which he took as a cue to take his man to the room, before he spilled anything about wizards to the unsuspecting Greg.

"Hey, I'm not even tired yet", Sirius protested, but hadn't really objected to Remus pulling him upstairs and into his childhood bedroom after they had said their goodnights.  
"I'm glad you got on quite well with my family now!", Remus whispered into his ear, which in turn made Sirius giggle: "I'm glad my socability makes you want to seduce me, Moony dearest". He really did deserve the following slap, that was followed by a sweet kiss. "Now off to bed", Remus demanded and had to make it very clear, that no funny business was to happen in his old bedroom with his parents in the house. Of course Sirius still complained, as Remus hadn't been stopped by that before, but he was shut down soon enough and they went to sleep with their legs tangled and Remus's head on Sirius's chest. It seemed like the perfect Christmas Eve and Remus was fairly certain, their first proper Christmas together would be magical.

  
That feeling hadn't faded, when Remus opened his eyes again the next morning, completely comfortable in his position cuddled into Sirius's side. He loved how he was never cold, when Sirius was in bed with him, because his lovers body seemed to always radiate heat and to hear the sound of his even breathing was always reassuring, given the state the world was currently in. Whenever Sirius was out on a mission it took Remus several minutes to calm his nerves after awaking, telling himself that his boyfriend was fine, otherwise somebody would have surely have come and woken him up. Now Sirius was very alive and breathing next to him, still vast asleep, Remus coouldn't resist leaning up and pressing a kiss to his lips. "Merry Christmas, beautiful!", he murmured and although asleep just moments before Sirius beamed at him replying: "Merry Christmas to you, too!", before stealing another kiss.

Remus sighed reluctantly before getting out of bed. "Come on, we need to go downstairs", he announced and immediatly the look of worry was back on Sirius's face. Of course he knew that in Remus's presence everything would be fine,but still he was wary when it came to Remus's parents – it was no secret they had not been prepared for a gay son. No comparison to Sirius's own parents though; if they hadn't been so caught up in trying to seem indifferent, they surely would have resorted to shouting and possibly violence. Luckily for him, both he and Remus had been miles away, when they got the news. It surely only strenghtened them in their decision to disown him. So therefore Remus's parents were the only shot at grandparents for their children, if they were ever to have any, and Sirius couldn't help but want to impress them. He wanted Lyall and Hope to like their presents and see, how good he was for Remus. It made his throat close up, whenever he was around them and he felt slightly sick, because he knew that they would much rather have seen their beloved song with somebody of opposite gender, no matter their personality traits. Just their broad acceptance and stance, everybody should love their children no matter what, prevented them from speaking up. What made it worse, was that Sirius couldn't even smoke a cigarette, he so desperately craved, because he just didn't want to give them anything to complain about.

At the sight of Sirus turning into a miserable puddle before him, Remus rolled his eyes. "There wont be any presents left for you, if you don't hurry up", he remarked and then walked straight out of the door. They'd had that discussion one too many a time. He walked down the stairs, from where he could see his whole family already all in their Christmas sweaters and his mood lightened considerately. If Sirius wanted to be a worry wrat, well, he wouldn't let that dampen his mood in the slightest.

  
When Sirius walked down the same stairs just minutes later, he saw five people chatting and laughing, already opening presents and he automatically clutched the parcel in his hands a little tighter. As soon as he entered the living room conversation died down, until he feebly said: "Merry Christmas, everone!" Once again Lyall saved the situation: "Come lad, come sit with us on the couch!" Sirius gladly obeyed, plopping down on the couch between Lyall and his son, who barely took notice of him and kept talking with Greg. After all it wasn't is fault, Sirius chose to make such a dramatic late entrance, was it?

Hope did seem to like her present, a new cauldron, which admittedly been on sale, but still and Lyall's book had been a success, too, a book on secret creatures to add to his evergrowing collection. At least that weight was lifted from him, but he could still feel Hope's gaze on him, watching his reaction to their presents with hawk eyes. Sirius sincerely hoped that his face displayed as much joy as a pair of handknitted socks and some herbal tea possibly could. He could comfort himself with the thought that it would have been the ideal present for Remus, so maybe that was were they had come from, but nonetheless it meant, they hadn't payed enough attention to him to see how fundamentally different he was from the quiet, withdrawn werewolf. Much of the unwrapping Sirius spent by staring intently at the back of Remus's head, while saying 'please' and 'thank you' a lot and it all felt quite a lot as if he were back in his parent's house, wishing desperately to be somewhere else, yet trying so hard to please. It made him feel nauseous already, so when Hope offered him an eggnog, he declined in what he thought was a polite way. All Remus saw, was that his mother seemed slightly offended. His prick of a boyfriend did not even appreciate the effort, his mum made to like him and it made him fume. Everybody was so accomodating and yet, he was being a snob, just like he'd always been at heart.

They were all sitting at the dinner table and yet, Sirius did not taste much of the actually delicious breakfast, he felt anxious and kept shifting in his seat. He knew that Remus was growing more and more impatient and increasingly annoyed with him, which just made him clumsier, since it only meant one more pair of eyes that didn't leave him. He knocked over his tea and he nearly let a plate of bacon slip, earning him disapproving glances allaround. The conversation drifted here and there until it shifted onto Remus's and Sirius's accomodation.  
"So Sirius", Lyall inquired, "does this place of yours have central heating?"  
"No, sir."  
"And how many rooms?"  
"Two, sir."  
"Oh please, don't call me sir, it's Lyall to you! But tell me, Remus had mentioned your work before, but what exactly do you do again?"  
It felt like they were mocking him, he had answered these questions at least twice already and it was no secret that his job was the same as Remus's. Besides, he did not quite know, how much he could say without telling Greg too much. "I uhm...", he stuttered, "I work for the... armed force." He stumbled over his words and was well aware, that he sounded much like a teenager on his first date, not like a legal adult, who had killed someone before.  
Remus laughed, the same charming laugh he had displayed, when faced with a teacher. "Sirius is being humble, he's actually a really valuable member of the force. Very talented in his area, can track down anyone and is very skilled in defence." Even though it was worded like a compliment, it did not sound like one in Sirius's ears. It was obligatory, Moony's tone slightly off, his teacher's pet voice.  
"Please, excuse me for a moment", Sirius breathed, before setting off towards the bathrooms. He only got until the coridor, when a hand grabbed his wrist and he was pressed up against the wall.  
"What's your damn deal?", Remus growled angrily.  
Aggrivated Sirius snarled back "My deal? Why do you try and make it difficult for me?"  
"Difficult?", Remus laughed sarcastically, "Hell, Sirius, poor boy, everything is difficult for you! Even a warm, accomodating home, where everybody is nothing but nice to you!"  
"Oh yeah, you know exactly that they do not want me here, they do not like me and they never will!", the shorter retorted. "Can't you see, how hard I try for you? But I can't try to appeal to people all my life, can't constantly change for others!"  
"Oh stop being so philosophical", Remus shouted, "not being rude, shouldn't be too hard, even for you, thinking you are so much better than everybody else!"  
Sirius's voice was really quiet and unusually cold, when he replied: "Don't you dare compare me to my parents, Remus. Or if we start, why don't you stop acting like such a momma's boy and stand up for me." There was no reply from Remus, just a cold unapologetic look. Disgust welled up in Sirius; Remus was weak, so weak. He would never defend him. "Sod off, Remus", he snapped before going to the bathroom like he had intended to do. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror he took a deep breath and then looked at someone, he had thought, he had left behind. What the hell was he doing, in this house with people, who did not accept the way he was?  
About two hours later after a rather awkward goodbye, Remus's parents exchanging knowing looks, they set off towards Lilly and James's house, quietly mounting their brooms once the were out of sight of the house. They flew the kilometres silently, Remus stubbornly staring forward and Sirius mirroring him, since he didn't want to be caught looking at his boyfriend himself. Or was it the other way around?

 

They arrived at the house in Godrick's Hollow, where Lily opened the door, beaming at them. "There you are, the others are inside already!" She embraced both of them, pressing a kiss to their cheek, before shutting the door behind them. Like a breath of fresh air, she did not fail to make Sirius smile. Many a times after too much whiskey had been consumed, he'd told James, if he hadn't been utterly and fabulously gay, he might have had to fight him over Lily. A statement Sirius stood by even in his sober state, Lily was one hell of a woman, pretty, charming and intelligent. Observing too, it might seem, as she shot Sirius a few questioning glances, which he shook off. Maybe now they were out of Remus's parents house, they could start the day over.

James appeared in the doorframe, wearing a ridiculous Santa hat and immediately darting towards Sirius, booming: "Padfoot mate, I was getting worried, we would never get this party started!". They embraced warmly, before James hugged a very tired looking Remus. "Good to see you, Moony, bet Sirius has been a handful again." He did wink to show it was just banter, but stopped dead, when he saw the look Lily gave him at his thickness. "So shall we go and greet the rest then?", he asked awkwardly and Sirius gave him a half smile. "Sure, let's do that."

They greeted their friends, who had already assembled: Dorcas Meadowes, who had brought along her friend Ben, who seemed to stand in a more than friendly relation to her after all, Marlene McKinnon, who was alone as always and Mary Macdonald, who didn't know, who would care enough to meet her friends. Alice and Frank had not been able to make it, they were out on a mission, but that was just the life, they had chosen to lead. In the future maybe all of them wouldn't even be alive to accept or decline the invitation. Peter was to join them a little later, James told them, he didn't want to leave his mother alone for too long. "Sweet ickle Peter", Sirius had joked, but had been shut down by Remus immediately: "We all know family isn't your cup of tea, but that doesn't mean Pete can't be a decent son." Lily cleared her throat: "Anybody for mulled wine?" and everybody accepted the offer.

Soon the atmosphere loosened the more mulled wine and rum was consumed and the jokes grew filthier as well. It was an environment Sirius felt completely comfortable for once and he wasn't going to let Remus's foul mood ruin that. While watching Sirius get progressively drunker, Remus just got angrier by the minute, but he didn't intended to have another half-public fight like that morning in front of his parents, before his friends, too. He was incredibly annoyed, but tried to put on a brave face for the others; it was their Christmas as well after all. He did enjoy being able to catch up with his friends too and resorted to just ignoring the obnoxious young man, who shouted profanities and didn't stop putting his arm around his just as drunk, luckily straight best friend. If Remus hadn't been so angry, he might have been jealous. Instead he tallked to Lily and Dorcas mostly and in the end quite enjoyed himself too.

When they left at quarter to two, the last to leave, except for Peter, who lay passed out on the sofa, Lily had hugged him tightly and blocking out the loud smacking kiss James gave Sirius on the cheek, had whispered: "We sure have annoying boyfriends, don't we? It's a wonder, we still love them." She laughed lightly, then pulled back, to leave Remus to wonder, whether he and Sirius seemed just as perfect as Lily and James did. They mounted their brooms and took of. Both of their friendsstood there on their doorstep, arms slung around each other, Lily steadying James, waving them goodbye until they were well away. Once or twice, it seemed Sirius was flying a little wobbly, but Remus pretended he hadn't noticed. That drunk head deeserved it. Sirius on the other hand couldn't focus on much other than not falling off his broom.

 

As soon as they had gotten home, Remus had simply stated, he wanted to catch an early night and that had been it; he had gotten changed and had slipped into bed, Remus in his festive pajamas, even though he did not feel loved up in the slightest. Quite a while later stinking of the cigrettes he had been chain smoking on the balcony, Sirius joined him in only his underwear as per usual. Stupid show off. It fed Remus up, that his boyfriend had chosen to not join him immediately, but preferred cigarettes over him. But even now, he had climbed into bed next to him, Sirius's proximity annoyed him, his breathing disturbing the silence. Remus slid as far as possible from the body, radiating heat besides him. After a while he was fairly certain Sirius had gone to sleep and cursed him internally for being able to just go to sleep with no conscience at all, it seemed. Then the body besides him shifted though and lay on its back, while a voice softly spoke up: “I just didn't think our first Christmas would be like this.” Sirius did not look at Remus, afraid of his reaction. Would he agree?

Remus huffed. Of course he had not imagined it to be like it had been either, much less bickering and fighting had been in his ideal version, but he had a hunch Sirius wasn't going on about that. “What do you mean?”, he dragged out. Truthfully he just wanted to go to sleep and hopefully the next day would be better, because otherwise, he might find himself strangling his boyfriend and that was not what he actually wanted to do. Maybe slap him once for good measure, but not strangle him.

Reluctantly Sirius answered, not quite sure of what his answer was either: "I just thought it would be more just you and me." For the whle day they had hardly spoken to each other, it had always been family and friends first, when the person Sirius had wanted to please most that day had been Remus. He could sense Remus's eyeroll at that, even though he could not see it, because it was pitch black around them.

"It's called a family holiday for a reason, Sirius!", Remus cried exasperately, knowing very well, how much his lover hated being called by his name during a fight. "Just because you are from a totally disfunctional family, doesn't mean other people have to behave like that, too."  
If Sirius hadn't been well aware, he had been the one, who had had a fair share in their fighting that day, he would have probably just turned back away from Remus and would have pretended to go to sleep. That comment hurt and his boyfriend knew, it would. His throat suddenly felt very tight and tears threatened to form, so he just croaked: "Just parts of me are like that, Moony, and you know that. I can't help, where I come from anymore than you can." He swallowed hard, before adding in a whisper: "I tried for you, it just wasn't enough."

Remus was no idiot, he knew he had hit home with his last comment and wasn't that exactly, what he had intended to do? But it did mean a lot, Sirius did not explode at that, but tried to reason and yes, he han't had the priviledge to come from such a loving, caring family, like he did. He was deliberately being unfair on Christmas, which made him feel ashamed and even though his mother was there to scold him, he could hear her exact words: "Remus Lupin, we taught you better than that. Last time I checked, we raised you to be a kind, considerate and forgiving person. Now go apolgize, you idiot!"

With as sigh Remus searched for Sirius' hand beneath the blankets and entwined their fingers. Sirius's were unusually cold and the long haired lad was still not looking at him. Most people dubbed Remus the quieter, more withdrawn, which was true in most aspects, but when to came to fights, it was always him, who apolgized first. Whether that was due to Sirius's stubborness or the fact he had to apologize one to many times for something that hadn't been wrong in his eyes or maybe because he didn't know how to say sorry for something, he truly felt bad about, he did not know. Remus cleared his throat then soothingly spoke: "I know, you made an effort for me, Pads, and I'm sorry you felt neglected by me. Tomorrow we'll have a whole day of just cuddling or whatever you want, okay?" To emphasize his words he gave Sirius's fingers a little squeeze and he could feel the resistance crumble. Sirius visibly gave in and moved closer to Remus, cuddling against him.

"I'm sorry for ruining your day", he whispered to the crook of Remus's neck.  
At that Remus had to smile. "You did not ruin my Christmas for me", he told Sirius firmly, "I wouldn't want to spend another Christmas without you." Every bit of the joy and affection Sirius felt at that, was mirrored in his expression, when he looked up at his man. His eyes did not leave the others as he stated: "I love you" and felt a tingle rush through his body, much like when he'd uttered those words for the first time, when they had a true meaning. Remus's response of "I love you, too", never failed to make his heart flutter either and he craned his neck even more to be able to capture his lover's lips in his. He peppered small pecks all over the werewolf's face, which made the man beneath him squeal like a little girl and squirm. Mostly to stop Sirius Remus pressed his lips against the other's hard and immediately gained a response.The kiss grew deeper and more passionate, although Sirius could tell by the small circles fingers drew on his hipbone and the hand in his hair, gently tugging at his hair, that it was not the werewolf's passion acting. As much as he loved wild, lusting sex, he actually preferred the human part of Remus taking control.

He pulled back just for a second to grin: "I think, I know the ideal Christmas present" and Remus growled: "Shut up and kiss me", before reattaching their mouths. After all, he didn't like Sirius being in just his underpants all that badly.


End file.
